The pursuit of perfection
There are myriad ways in which our culture, whether explicitly or more insidiously, sets an expectation of perfection. Whether it’s an emphasis on chasing a perfect score, embodying an often-unattainable physical attribute or standard, or never making a mistake in one’s professional endeavors. Understandably, one may feel immense pressure to be the perfect child, the perfect partner, the perfect student, the perfect captain, or the perfect practitioner of one’s faith, whatever that may look like.
Oftentimes I hear the word ‘perfect’ show up in the room. It may refer to a self-imposed standard or it may reflect which outcomes will be acceptable to another person or authority. Perhaps a comparison is made to a peer who met an objective faster or attained a higher score. It may feel as though we need to keep striving to reach this unreachable standard in order to be seen or to be worthy, both to ourselves and in the eyes of the people in our circles of influence. Rather than adjusting expectations depending on the situation or the particular task at hand, we may expect that we excel in or stand out across all domains. And, if we fail to do so, it must be due to some inherent flaw in our constitution or character.
When we aim for perfection, we, with near certainty, miss the mark. We all mis-speak, forget, fail to notice or otherwise fall short in some way. And if we don’t fully meet a goal, often there’s no sense of accomplishment or pause to give credit for the progress that was made or insight gained from the attempt. Perhaps self-blame or judgmental thoughts get in the way of using the failure as an opportunity to gain information that will be of value going forward. We may feel undeserving of a particular role or opportunity. We may even feel demoralized or incompetent and not want to try again or take the next step toward achieving the broader goal. Being imperfect does not make one any less worthy of love or attention. And, perhaps most importantly, imperfection does not warrant a repetitive loop of self-critical thoughts or self-deprecating comments. How do you respond to yourself when you experience a sense of failure? Is there a way you might be able to soften the language, even a little bit?
When we expect perfection from others, we are not only let down, but may also injure a relationship by holding colleagues, friends, or partners to unrealistic standards. Perhaps our own sense of the right way of completing a task may in fact restrict someone else’s creative or intuitive sense of how to carry out the process. When our own perfectionistic tendencies interfere with the ability to provide adequate support and encouragement to a friend, peer, or subordinate, perhaps manifesting in micro-managing or providing non-essential critiques, we may undermine or demean the other and, perhaps, deter them from trying again or taking another risk. Only when others can trust that mistakes will be accepted can they be at ease to experiment and challenge themselves in novel pursuits.
These broader societal expectations or more proximate personal communications from family or peers inevitably take us further away from our true selves. Is there a domain of life where you may be able to release some of the expectations of others and look to your inner guidance instead? Only by looking inward and asking ourselves questions can we begin to identify what provides the most meaning. In many instances, a successful experience may entail an effort that’s promoted self-reflection and insight, not necessarily leading to a tangible or objective outcome. When we fail, so to speak, we get valuable information that may ultimately illuminate our paths of growth. If less time and mental effort is dedicated to attaining perfection, what else might you notice instead?
So perhaps we can shift the emphasis from perfection to progress, and greet ourselves with compassion whenever we do fall short of a goal. If you miss the mark, that’s okay. What’s your next move?