The Power of saying no
For many, it can be a challenge to protect our time for self-care, relaxation, reflection, or other meaningful and nourishing activities. Whether we are trying to balance the demands of a job or another role, such as partner, parent, caregiver, or friend, it can feel like there aren’t enough waking hours in the day to satisfy all parties. This dilemma often leads to prioritizing the needs of the other over our own needs. Over time and with repetition, the practice of sacrificing our own needs and ignoring a calling to attend to our physical bodies or our emotional well-being increases stress and, ultimately, diminishes our capacities to show up for others. How often do you give yourself permission to decline an invitation or say you don’t have space to take on a task or new responsibility?
Perhaps you feel the need to be available to others at nearly all times of day. There’s an urgency to respond to every email, request, or phone call. In non-emergency scenarios, there is often more flexibility when it comes to responding than it may seem. If there’s a “should” popping up in your thoughts, I encourage to you to take the time to pause and ask yourself from where it’s stemming. Do you, in this moment, feel that you would be putting the other person in an unreasonably difficult situation by delaying a response? Moreover, there may be further insight to be gained by giving yourself more space to process and formulate a response.
If you’re someone who is frequently asking yourself what else you can do for someone else in your life, then it may be especially crucial to check in with yourself. Before attending to someone else’s need or request, maybe there’s an opportunity to pause and ask the following: what can I do to take care of myself right now? Perhaps there’s a facet of your overall well-being that hasn’t received as much attention recently. Or maybe you simply need some time to not be in an active, doing mode for a little while.
For the self-proclaimed people-pleasers:
It is okay to say no, delay a response, or otherwise indicate you’re not interested in an opportunity. Oftentimes, the inquirer will not take the negative response personally. In fact, a more direct answer may be helpful to the other party and give them a clearer sense of how to proceed. If the other person seems to take offense, that is also okay, and perhaps you can trust that they can handle the temporary discomfort and not allow that to detract from the relationship in a meaningful way. By putting up a boundary or protecting our personal time, we also signal to others that is okay for them to take time for themselves.
If you’re anticipating a conflict and tend to avoid direct confrontation when there is misalignment, I encourage you to look for the opportunity to communicate a need and see if the other person can respect the boundary or limitation. While it may feel easier to accept certain demands or requests in the short-term, there’s often a less palatable consequence further out. In some cases, it may be most productive to postpone further dialogue until both parties are able to set aside time to fully engage.
Conclusion:
So, where might you invest your time, even if only for a few moments, today that will support all that you do for others? Furthermore, is a more long-term adjustment to the amount of time dedicated to work or other demands needed, so that you can better take care of yourself? Maybe there’s a particular relationship that you don’t feel equipped to invest in emotionally, or more practically or logistically, at this time. Being honest with yourself and communicating directly with the other person will open up the needed space for you and may also encourage the other person to utilize a new resource. Attending to one’s own needs is not a selfish act; it’s essential.